workshop 2--erin

"Peanuts and Pinkies" by Erin Curley

I love the way you start out essays, Erin! You have a great voice, too, telling us exactly what we need to know and nothing more. You just imply your discomfort with what's going on and your newness to it all without overdoing it. You start us out right in the action and keep us there. I loved the whole description on page 1 about the "frozen pinkies." The detail about working at a pet store was great. And the whole crot "How to Dress a Quail" was awesome, loved the "Author's insight" and "Michelle's advice" bits. I guess my biggest suggestion for the whole piece would be to expand a little more. The ending seemed kind of rushed to me. And I knew that you were talking about the Wildlife Center on campus, but a reader outside of the school wouldn't know that, so you might want to add in that detail. Did you focus on the birds and bird-feeding because it was the most interesting part of the day? Or because you had seen the other parts of the center before? Maybe that's not important to this piece, since it's mostly about feeding...Great job, Erin! I marked some more things on my copy of the essay, like more stuff I loved. :)