workshop--robert

"Days in May" by Robert Greene II

I think this essay is a good starting point for a more in-depth essay. I was left wanting more in a few places. I like the concrete detail on page 1 in the first paragraph about watching Aladdin. "As the blue genie transforms into yet another funny creature, I feel a bit...lonely." Why? You kind of tell us why, with how you'd rather read than play outside, but I wanted some indication as to why you are so different from the other kids. Like, maybe you could give us some dialogue from the other kids. Are they excited about the last day of school? Are they talking about how much fun they're going to have at the pool or camp? And you mention not seeing your friends for a while, yet you don't want to play with anyone else. Why is that? What do you do with your friends? Show us the contrast between you and the other kids. The Star Trek scene on page 2 is great. It really shows us how much you love that show. But I had no idea if you were watching it in May or what. Also, I wanted to see that scene when the Enterprise blows up. I also wanted to know how long you had been watching the show, etc.
Another time that you could add in some in-scene detail and dialogue is on page 3, when you describe "My parents always get on me for that." Could you show us a conversation between you and your parents? Why do you prefer video games and TV shows to the movies? I think you could tighten this crot up a lot. I found a theme running through the scenes--aliens and space, except in the first one. You might want to think about making the first scene more linked with that theme, and then you could change the title to match (just an idea). Did you read a lot of Sci-Fi books? What made you start liking things like Star Trek? I think that the title "Days in May" is good if you indicate that all the scenes are happening in May/summer time (well, maybe the title is enough...your call). A technical note--check out how movie and TV show titles are supposed to be written (italics, quotes, etc.). Good job, Robert!