workshop--zachary

"Rattle Lung: Scattered Memories from Childhood" by Zachary Bush

This piece really intrigued me; I wanted to read it over a couple times (and I did). I like the story of a child trying to understand something as horrible as cancer; I think you did a good job in showing how naive kids are concerning "adult" problems like this. A good example of this is at the end when you describe drinking lots of water so that you don't cough. In the first crot, I wanted more detail. What did your mom's perfume smell like? Was it strong and flowery, or fruity, or what? I also thought the scene could be cleaner with dialogue (if you remember any) instead of just saying that "She told me that what I said was not very polite." etc. The next crot with the soccer game had some confusing details to me. In the second paragraph, you go from talking about Will on his back and then Charlie. I'm assuming that Charlie threw the soccer ball that hit Will, but I think you could add more detail to indicate that. The third paragraph in this crot is another great opportunity to use dialogue, between the coach and Will.
In the dinner scene, I wanted a little more back story maybe. You do say things like, "He wasn't smiling like he usually does," but I think that maybe you could add in another crot showing what Will's dad was like before cancer. What was his house like? It could really show how confusing and sad this all was for you to take in. You also repeat "And Will's dad wasn't smiling like he usually does." Is that a typo, or there for emphasis? At the top of page 2, I felt like you could use a better image than "he bounced between the arms of the chair like a pinball." But maybe that's just me. The dinner scene was pretty good, once again, I like dialogue! I like the phrase "chewing and slurping" a lot, though. The next crot in the mall has some good detail, like "glossy shopping bags slap against her large legs." Who was listening to that? You or the woman? And I figured out that you only had one hand because you were holding your mom's hand, but maybe make that clearer? Also, love the "egg that is wrapped in a fuzzy Frosty the Snowman sweater" image. Great! The last crot I really loved. "If I feel like coughing, I swallow the cough and drink the water, because I don't want to catch cancer, because I don't want my eyes to bleed, because I want to be safe." Good job, Zach!