workshop--courtney

"Survivors" by Courtney Akins

This essay was hilarious! I thought you did a great job capturing the seriousness of the "tornado" to you and your best friend. I loved the detail on page 1: "I stuck my finger in my mouth, pulled it out making a "POP" sound, and pointed it straight up to the sky overhead. I don't really know why I did this, but I had seen people do it in the movies when the weather was bad." I also liked how you described the baby dolls as "children" and "babies" after the first paragraph. You also had a great ending, too. The only thing I would change is some of the wording. Like on page 2, when you're describing the berries, I don't think that "spheres" is a good word choice. On page 1, you're describing the sky and you say, "It was as if God had spray painted the Sun and blue and white a grayish-blackish color..." I think you could clarify the colors of the sky by saying something like "the yellow and blue and white of the sky" or something instead of "the Sun and blue and white"; it sounds kind of awkward to me. A few other places that I marked on your essay you might want to check out the word choice. But overall, good job! You could even exaggerate the "tornado" conditions even more to add humor if you wanted.