workshop--zach

"Expecting" by Zachary Bush
I think this essay paints a good picture of the abortion dilemma for people. A note about wording, though: if you don't want this piece to be construed as an anti-abortion piece, on page 7, when describing the abortion process you call it a "baby." Why not fetus or some other medical term? I mean, it is technically a baby, but calling it that really sounds anti-abortion to me. I liked that you used different quotes, etc. throughout the piece, but I felt that you could make it flow better. Maybe you could weave the quotes in smaller chunks throughout the piece with smaller crots of story. I understand how the quotes and poetry fit in, but the flow just seemed off. On page 3, when you talk about "change, taxes, and death," I thought that was a really cliche expression. I think you could cut out the first few lines and start with Heraclitus. The dream scene was really haunting and vivid; good job. It's a good lead-in to the rest of the story. I thought that you could really interweave Samantha and Katherine's stories better, maybe by using parallel scenes of you with each of them, one after the other, to emphasize how much you've changed.
The scene with you and your family and Katherine at dinner was great; I could feel the tension as K was trying to tell you that she was pregnant. I wondered if this was the first time that you had dealt with the possibility of a pregnancy or not; you seemed to know what to do. On page 8 in the Wal-Mart scene, was this with Katherine? Maybe make that clearer. Most of your descriptions are really clear and vivid, like on page 4 when you describe what's going on at Samantha's house and the scene with Katherine using the pregnancy test. I like the thoughts running through your head on page 9, too. This is a really good piece, it just needs more focus and clarity. I think you'll know how to emphasize and de-emphasize certain points. Mostly through making crots shorter and more interwoven. Good job as usual, Zach!