workshop--c.j.

"The Absence of Professionalism" by C.J. Krakeel
I read the first version of this essay, and I can see that it's already come a long way! I like the title and the humor a lot. But I felt that if you were going to keep the current title, you could maybe weave in another story that shows how unprofessional professionals can be. The phone company people are obviously an example of that in this story, but I thought another moment in your life would be better. I don't think that you need as much exposition at the beginning; maybe just jump into the story, like start on page 2 with "I touched the gas pedal and pulled up the road when suddenly a truck with the logo..." Then we're right in the action, and you could explain where the boards came from through dialogue with your dad or something. Or another way to make this essay just catch our attention faster would be to start with you in the interrogation room, then have flashbacks to explain how you got there. You could let us know that you were on your way to do something important, i.e. take Kelly to the doctor, and explain what's going on in a more interesting way than just chronological order. Also on page 2 you say "two undereducated men"--why not describe them for us? What did they look like?
I also wanted more description on page 4 when you go to the sheriffs office. What did it look like? What did the detectives look like? The best scene in this whole essay is the interrogation between the detectives and you. I thought it was really funny when one of the detectives said, "I'm going to do this just like they do in the movies." Maybe you could emphasize that point? Was it like a movie? I wanted more of the interview. On page 5 you say they belittled you, made fun of you, etc. Maybe more examples of that? You've got a funny story to tell; just try and make it as funny and interesting as possible, by trying out different ways of arranging the scenes and maybe even adding more examples of times that people have not been professional (you could even focus on police officers for this). Good job, C.J.! Keep writing, you've come a long way!