workshop--jen

"Machines of Life" by Jennifer Levin
I like the idea of using crane games as a metaphor for life lessons. I think that the list at the end is the most important part of the essay, and you could incorporate those lessons into the story better. I really wanted to know what first attracted you to crane machines. What was the first prize you ever won? What did the machine look like? You mentioned in class that you played them a lot in Japan, and that they were a lot different from American machines. Describe that more. The space breaks were kind of confusing; remember that a space break signifies a change in time or setting, and a new paragraph doesn't need that much space. I like the lessons you learned from your mother, then unlearned because of crane machines. What other things have you learned this way?
I think that if you take us into the strategy that goes into playing a crane game and winning, that could be really cool. What techniques do you use? How do you know when one is fixed? What does that say about the nature of the games? I think that once you figure out a way to incorporate the life lessons with concrete scenes, the piece will be a lot stronger. It's pretty funny and a topic I haven't really read about, so awesome! I thought the story about the koalas at the movie theater could really be expanded. How good did it feel to be playing again? If this is an addiction, as you say at the beginning, what did it feel like to be denied the pleasure of playing? Did you need a fix? The title is pretty good, but you might to consider changing it if you take this piece in a different direction. Good job Jen!