worshop--paul

"Public Displays of Affection" by Paul Waters
Like the last piece from Paul, I can see where he's going; he just hasn't quite gotten there yet. The intro starts out kind of slow...I think by cutting the first few sentences and starting with the concrete image of "When the automated school bell rang out..." we jump into the action better. (And "cake walk" is pretty cliche.) You can add that you were in seventh grade later, or just put your age. I can see that this is an essay about how the choices we make when we're really young can affect us; or even when we're really old, as in the case of Tori's grandfather. There's a lot more than this essay can say--it's a great start. On page 2, you really jump right into that scene of adolescent sex. What I wanted was more description--not too vulgar or anything, but I wanted to be there in that moment. What did you look like when you were in seventh grade? Were your hands sweaty? What conversation led up to you all getting naked and crazy? More thorough description of the events surrounding that "whirl of sexual release" would be great. That seems like such an important moment--was it your first time? I wanted some sort of disconnection in that moment too, some differentiation between the affection you feel for Tori and this crazy orgy with people you probably don't even talk to anymore. At the end of the crot on page 2, you allude to "several other equally open displays" that helped shape your distaste for PDA. Maybe you could incorporate some of those moments into the essay?
In a braided essay, I feel that the stories should be more braided than this. Instead of larger chunks, maybe try breaking the stories down into smaller scenes and weaving them together. Maybe add more about other sexual moments you've had in public, etc. that led you to where you are today. I thought the strongest writing happened at the bottom of page 2 with the description of Mr. B's bedroom. The story really picked up there. On page 3, there are so many beautiful images of what it means to love someone and be devoted to them. And it's honest, not sappy. :) Yay Paul! I love the image of "I see her in a box on my dresser..." I don't think the title does this justice. I had more a feeling of ghostly images, like the image of Tori's grandmother and the ghosts of the past. So maybe go with that? I think you have a good idea of where you're going with this, so good luck! I hope this was helpful!