workshop--bryan

"The Struggle" by Bryan Thomas
I think you have a really important story to tell hear--the other side of a supposed "stalker" story. You always hear about people claiming that someone is stalking them, some old friend or something, but you never hear from the person being accused of stalking. You could really shed some light on this for people, and maybe help them understand what it's like to be accused when you've done nothing wrong. First off, you've got to take a look at your sentence structure. It's really hard to follow most of the essay because you've got a lot of errors and run-ons. Just cleaning those up will make the piece stronger. The next thing I was interested in was learning more about yours and Renee's relationship. A lot of things you allude to in the letter I wanted to see fleshed out, like on page 3: "You were the first female that actually walk with me and listen to what was going on in my life." Were you lonely a lot in high school? Why did this mean so much to you? Help us understand Renee better, using dialogue and description, and it would make this even stronger. What exactly made her so special?
What exactly is "the struggle"? Is it you struggling with the loss of your friend? One way to make this all flow smoother would be to incorporate that e-mail throughout the story. I would place the parts of the e-mail in italics as a crot, and then flesh out a scene that illustrates the point of the e-mail. I also wanted to know more about the e-mail that accuses you of being a stalker. That's really interesting to me. What did the e-mail say? Did it have any validity? I like the part at the beginning when you describe your bond with her. Feeling someone else's physical pain is a pretty big deal. You described getting ready to tell her exactly how you feel; take us into that moment by describing the scene, conversations you had with Henry, etc. Like I said, you've got some good opportunities here to create a really heartwrenching story. Just focus, and take us into the mind of the Bryan that loved Renee, and probably always will.