workshop--christina

"Mommy Memories" by Christina Wiley
I think the point of this essay was to paint a picture of Christina's mother, a person who obviously had a huge impact on her life. I liked the transitions, when you would start with something that your mother said, but it wasn't consistent. I think if you can make it a consistent transition, it would be a really unique way to take us to another scene. Even at the end, the letter is your mother's words. That's the theme I got from the piece, so I don't feel that "Mommy Memories" is a very effective title. Something more relating to her words or her impact on your life would seem more effective. One big question I was left with was: How did she get you into college? Why was it her and not you? You don't really explore that much, you just allude to it. The beginning scene, and most of the following scenes, were kind of confusing and hard to follow. You might want to try using shorter sentences and checking for run-ons, etc.
I was confused about her illness; you might want to clarify sooner. The scene in which you talk about needing a translator, after talking about all of her words to you, could be really powerful. Take us there. What did she sound like? Were all the details of why you were a problem child at school necessary? Maybe we only need to know that you were being picked on, and you fought back. I think you could even start the piece with the line "The safest seat in the car was the seat behind the driver." You could show us how that affected you, then maybe talk about college. What did your mom tell you about college? Is there a quote you can remember? I think that maybe you could end with the letter she wrote to you, the last bit of advice you could understand from her. Overall, the sentences and paragraphs just need a little "cleaning up" if you will, you just need to check out your word choice and sentence structure. I felt that some details at the end were unnecessary, like the trip to the mall. If the whole point is that she got you into college, you need to make that the focus more. There's some really powerful words in this piece, so good luck in your revisions!