workshop--amanda

"Untitled" by Amanda Hamrick
This is a really powerful essay. Your voice is strong and there's a lot of good detail. I think sometimes the scenes could be more powerful if you just used dialogue instead of describing what's happening. Remember to show more than tell sometimes; it depends on how personal you want your voice to sound. One of my favorite parts was the description of your childhood with Kelly; it was good writing. I like your style, the way you just go through a supposedly average day that turns out to be anything but. I think your goal was to show how precious and unpredictable life can be, which this one day in your own life illustrates. Like I told Emily Hager and probably a bunch of other people, a good title is key. You could call it something that reflects what all of those experiences mean to you, what you want to convey to the reader.
Think about what details are important for us to know--what role does your fiance play in all this? Is he part of the security/predictability in your life? Is he someone that made you feel beautiful, like Kelly was? How close were you and Kelly at the time of the accident? Focus in on what is necessary to the story and what isn't. Also, I think that you could cut out the entire first paragraph and still have the same effect, the same "average day in the life" feeling. Look at your use of numbers, too--not all of those need to be written out as words. I can't wait to see how this develops! Yay Amanda!