workshop--carlie

"Scars" by Carlie Lane
First of all, I like your bravery in tackling a subject that's obviously very personal and painful. There were some really powerful moments in there. The opening gives us a clear, specific image, and I like that. I think by making that present-tense instead of past and then maybe returning to that image at the end and making it clear that this is happening now would make it a lot stronger. You could also use present tense language throughout the essay, too; it makes the action more immediate, it puts the reader in the moment. I like the use of dates as a transition, it flowed well. I understand why you give some back story to the scenes, but sometimes the language is awkward. Try to figure out what a reader must know, and give us only that. The description of why you weren't drum major was an awkward place. (For example, is it important that you and your brother finally live in the same town again, etc.? Is it important that you chose Archibald's? Or is it important that you hadn't seen him in weeks, were finally doing well, and all he could do was put you down? That you had to fight back tears in the middle of a restaurant?)
I would really like to see some specific moments instead of just a description of the moment. Like, could you give an example of what your brother said to you? The dialogue between you and your father was so powerful, I think you could put more into that scene. I think your goal in this piece is to show how we all struggle to be happy and content, how we all want to be special and different, and how we all have dark places that we go to to seek comfort. We all have scars. On page 1, you talk about asking your friends at school what artery to miss. Show us that conversation! I think dialogue here is crucial, you could bring up the radial artery that you talk about later. You don't always have to give us the motivation behind your actions either, just tell us what happened. Just try to make the scenes smoother and maybe the ending stronger. Good job!