workshop--emily

"Untitled" by Emily Hager
I really like where this piece is going! You have a lot of really interesting insights and stories going on but...the connection between them is not very clear. Think about what you want the reader to take away. Is this a piece about belonging? Is it about running from the truth? Is it about the complexities of the human mind? Is it about all of these things, and how they can affect a person? A good title could really bring it all together. I would suggest choosing two or three stories and weaving them together, expanding or taking away depending on what was necessary to make the connection between them really clear.
I liked the dance story, the dad/Ipod story, and the notebook story the best. Remember, you don't have to tell the readers everything--they can figure out what to feel for themselves. Present us with what happened. Use specific details and quotes. There are places that I felt it would be much stronger if you had just put quotes instead of explaining what the dialogue was. I liked the mixture of humor and seriousness. Try rearranging, cutting, and elaborating on the different crots to paint a clear picture of what the reader should see. Keep writing! (There are more specific notes and stuff on the actual hard copy of the essay, also.) Good job! I enjoyed reading this.