workshop--aisha

"Death on a Dance Floor" by Aisha Adkins
I think everyone can relate to your story of feeling left out and the desire to be wanted by the opposite sex. I liked your use of past and present to illustrate your pain. Sometimes I was confused by when some events happened, like when you said "In fifth grade.." How long ago did all of this happen to you? Have you been thinking about this for years? I think your goal in this piece was to show how fragile we can all be, how careful we should really be with each other. Something seemingly small to someone can mean the world to someone else.
I think sometimes you used unnecessary details. What is important about your conversations with Kristina and Kathleen? I think more specific examples of what happened to you as a result of your weight could make your connection with Rick more apparent. What did kids used to say to you that was mean? How did boys treat you? Did all of your friends have boyfriends except you? Why were you not beautiful to the world? Was it because of the images that you were bombarded with or because of the way you were treated by people? Make sure you are consistent with italics, also. Are your thoughts in italics? Also, the references to the song might not be clear to people who don't know the song.