workshop--c.j.

"Shattered Bamboo and Shattered Hearts" by C.J. Krakeel
I like that you were trying to use symbolism, as in the bamboo canopy above your bed representing your relationship with Katie. I don't think there was enough about the canopy, though. I didn't really see how it related to the relationship, although I thought it was really effective when you described tearing it down after the break-up. Why was it like the relationship? Because it provided comfort, yet it was fragile and kind of uncomfortable? Because it provided an exotic new place for you to hide? Think about how you can really make connections between them. I saw what you were trying to do throughout the essay, I think--you were trying to show how Katie came into your life, changed it, and then hurt you. I think you really need to focus on what we as readers need to know--I felt that the essay was cluttered up by too much arbitrary description and too many references to people that the reader wouldn't know about. (I've known you for a while, so I could follow it pretty well, but most people won't.) I also felt that a lot of your similes were kind of awkward-sounding; maybe go through and look at each one, figuring out if it really conveys the idea you want it to. (Example: on page 4--"...time that was as pressed against the clock as it was against our two naked bodies"--Huh? I don't really understand what you're trying to say.)
I think my favorite point in the writing was your description of what Katie was wearing the day she broke up with you, the way it didn't seem out of the ordinary at all. I think that maybe you could move that paragraph to before she says, "I came over here to break up with you." In fact, you could probably even start the essay on page 3 with that scene. I had a hard time following the chronology in the essay--at one point you were 14, then it was 2004, then you were with her, then you weren't--try to make the transitions between time periods clearer and smoother. Space breaks could help clear up what's happening when. How long were you and Katie together? You allude to some of her "issues," like her complex about her weight and her dependence on anti-depressants. What did you really like about her? Was it your physical connection, or what? You describe the nights you spent together, but I think a specific example would be more effective, like a night you remember as being one of your favorites--what did you talk about? What did you do that night? There were also points that you switched from past to present tense within a scene, which is confusing. Make sure you're consistent with tenses. Present tense can make the action more immediate. I liked that you wanted to make sure the reader knew when you couldn't remember accurately, but I think you could make it smoother, like, "I can almost remember her saying" or "Those days are a blur to me" or something rather than "It slips my memory" or whatever. But yeah, this piece has a lot of potential. Just figure out what you want the reader to take away about your relationship with Katie and how much symbolism you want to use. Make it clearer and easier to follow the story. Overall, good subject matter. Yay C.J.!