workshop--nathan

"Appetite" by Nathan Klose
I think your goal in this essay was to show how we can justify our actions in our minds, how we invent little spaces and associations for what we do. We don't want to think of what we do as wrong, so we justify it. I also think you were trying to show how we all have a hunger, a dark need to do something. I liked that you tried to experiment with repetition and voice changes; sometimes it was really effective and other times it was kind of annoying. I couldn't tell what voice you were trying to use sometimes--are you analyzing your behavior in retrospect, or are you living out your 12-year-old experiences as a kleptomaniac? The voice was clearest to me on page 7, when you describe the Aladdin-watching scene. The description of what was going on in the movie was very vivid and appropriate, and I could totally see a 12-year-old relating his life to a Disney movie. When it comes to your use of repetition, I'd like to tell you about the "Rule of 3" that we have in theatre, that can apply to any kind of writing--say it once, it's funny. Say it twice, it's funnier. Say it 3 times, it's funniest. Say it 4 times, the audience isn't laughing any more. The repetition of "dried-out potpourri covered in dust" was good in some places, and very effective towards the end when your dad found you in the closet. It started to get on my nerves when you would say, "It's sort of weird. Let me explain" after about 3 times. There's a lot more places where you could probably cut out one or two repeating lines, just to help the reader not be like, "I get your freaking point already!"
Were you trying to convey your OCD-ness with the way the essay was set up? I liked that you tried to construct the essay to reflect how your mind works, how it wanders and pieces together what happened, but I did get confused when you kept repeating how you call the place "the Stomach." I think telling us once is enough. There was a lot of humor in this piece, which I appreciated. I liked the "Super-Gut feeling" and the explanation of the "Everything Must Happen Equally and Everything Has to be Touchable" rules. I kept wondering if you were diagnosed with OCD, though. Did you ever go to the psychiatrist and talk about this? Did you just do research for the essay? There were a lot of good, specific scenes. I think the most work this essay really needs is on clarifying the voice, and making sure the repetition is effective and not overkill. Very light-hearted but deeper meaning piece. Yay Nathan!