workshop 2--shaun

"A Mad Tea Party" by Shaun Reginald DeLoach

Wow...this essay had so much to take in. In fact, at times it seemed like maybe a little too much for the reader to take in. I loved all the different linked stories you had going on though, like the ideas of sexual differences and mental illness that were woven throughout. I absolutely loved the beginning crot, especially the end with the description of pink of white: "a part of my brain must have popped and the blood mixed with the whites of my eyes because all I saw was pink and white." I marked a lot of other places where the writing was great, which was a lot of places, you son of a bitch :). I guess my biggest suggestion for this piece would be to keep your present voice intact, but clean it up in a few places. I like the madness a lot, but I felt that it could be a little more clear sometimes. Unless you want it to keep it that way. I guess a good example of this is on page 3, when you have thoughts in italics for a while. I think you could cut some of that out; I marked it. I think I'm going to re-read this again before class so I can give you better feedback. But overall, I love your style, Shaun, and the connections you make between things. Awesome. And that place sounds really, really scary.
*One important note: on page 2, please look up information about Turner Syndrome before you write about it. This is a sensitive subject for me, because I suffer from a "birth defect" too, MRKH Syndrome, but I think that anyone can agree that making inaccurate generalizations about a rare condition harms everyone. "Because they have no ovaries, they produce no male hormones and show exaggeratedly female behavior." I did my research, and girls with this condition do in fact have ovaries, and probably do not "show exaggeratedly female behavior." I just can't imagine being a person living with this already alienating condition and reading this. "Alas, no ovaries, no babies. This is very, very sad for a girl that much of a girl." I know you probably weren't trying to be insensitive, but that could be really devastating to someone. And sometimes women with Turner can have babies with medical treatment. Also, you say "male hormones" when you mean "female hormones." I think the best way for you to write this paragraph is to make up a condition for what you're talking about, like just saying "girls born without ovaries" or something, instead of the name of a specific condition. But maybe that's just me.
*Also, check out the different words and how you used them; I was confused sometimes: they're there their
were we're