workshop--turquoise

"Don't Surprise Me" by Turquoise Coney
The story of your mother is really touching, but it feels out of place in this piece. I see how the idea of her death being a surprise can tie in to the title, but I think the story of your birthday party is great all by itself. My favorite part was the paragraph about Witches and how it reminds you of Ms. Betty. Maybe you could start the piece in scene with the line, "Toni said to go to Ms. Betty's house until she gets back." I think you could even elaborate on how horrible it is to be around Ms. Betty; did she have a nose like a witch? What did her voice sound like?
I also wanted to know more about it being your birthday. How old were you? Were you excited? I think you strengthen some of your sentences by figuring out what is necessary to tell the reader, and what isn't. Like on page 2, the sentences: "I couldn't take it anymore I had to get away from her. I eventually started crying because she wouldn't go away." You could maybe take out some phrases like "because she wouldn't go away," etc. Concrete details are always a good idea. How long were you with Ms. Betty? What else do you remember about it? I really like the quote from your mom on page 2, when she says, "I was trying to surprise you..." That was funny. What was the birthday party like that she had planned? Maybe you could use this essay as a way of remembering her while she was still alive and helping you have a fun childhood, instead of focusing on her death. Good job; a funny yet sad story.