workshop--Beth

"The Dirty Bird" by Beth Godwin

I think you chose a really great moment from childhood--we've all experienced losing our ice cream, either to some hot pavement or to a sly animal. I liked your concrete descriptions the most; simple statements like, "'Owowow owowow,' the jeans rub against my thigh," I think are more effective than long blocks of inner thought. I liked some of the thoughts, like the recurring "Why did I wear jeans?" but sometimes it felt like too much, especially in the first crot and further down page 1, when you're thinking about your grandparents. I don't think you should cut all the thoughts, but maybe try and condense them down some more. I also think it could be funny if you added in more thoughts about why you want ice cream so bad, build up the suspense of getting it, and then let us in on the disappointment of having the bird swoop down and take it away.
More good detail is on page 2, when you describe the ice cream cart and the process of buying ice cream. I really liked that. I also love the line, "..I pretend to be a lizard and catch it with my tongue." Funny! On page 3, I would have liked more detail about when the seagull took the ice cream. That whole last page is pretty good, though. I like all the dialogue used there to tell what's going on. I like the vision of being on America's Funniest Home Videos, too. Good job, Beth! Just think about cutting out some of the thoughts and elaborating on certain scenes.