workshop 2--zachary

"And What Could be Said of Saturday's Emergencies?" by Zachary Bush

I think there was some really good stuff in this essay. I can't believe how crazy some people's immersions went! I've already told Zach this, but there were a lot more adverbs that I'm used to seeing in your writing. Which isn't a bad thing all the time, but you might to consider cutting some, like on page 1 in paragraph 4, I think you could cut the phrases "with ease" and "Immediately." I really liked the opening paragraph; it puts us right into the action. In the second paragraph I especially like this: "my current fears surrounding the possibility of having to witness screaming children being admitted into the emergency room with maimed limbs and even derelict men in convulsions." Good detail! You do some really good descriptive work with the possible patients you'll encounter further down on page 1, too, in the second to last paragraph: "...I look around, expecting to see men and women hanging loose-limbed and bleeding on top of gurneys. I expect to see pregnant women panting and sweating profusely as they are being rolled through the doors in collapsible wheelchairs..." so on. I wanted a clear description of the actual emergency room. I liked all the description of the floor, but I thought that you could tell us how it is laid out, etc.
I think that one way you could vary this piece more is by interweaving the events of that morning throughout, maybe in italics, like your view on it all. It seemed like such a surreal situation; missing being a hostage by 8 minutes. I also wanted to know what time you actually arrived at the emergency room, and how long you stayed before you finally had to leave. I think my favorite parts of this piece were the descriptions of people in the emergency room, like the boy with a hurt knee (although I don't know why you said "let's call him Joseph" on page 2 and never brought it up again) and the attractive nurse. I liked the ending, too, with you just wondering how prepared for an emergency that emergency room really is. I underlined some things I really liked in the essay in my hard copy of it and crossed out some things, but I think you would probably catch most of them when revising. Good work, Zachary.