workshop 2--turquoise

"Expect the Unexpected" by Turquoise Coney

I think what I really wanted more of in this essay was more specifics, like on page 1: "I decided to fast because of my curiosity behind why so many people fast consistently." What people do you know of that fast? You refer to going to work on page 1 and other places--where do you work? What do you do there? I liked the lines on page 1 about wanting lunch. Good description of the food and "All I could think about was the tiny cramp in my stomach." Also, you had an 11:30 class--what was it? You could go into some detail about that. I think it was funny on page 3 when you say "I sit across from my boss and check my email" and describe the goldfish she has, and then you answer a cell phone call at work. What was the problem on page 4 that your grandmother called you about (if you can mention it)? I wanted to know why you were in the middle. I really like the sentence on page 5: "I had the kind of headache that sits in your eyes pressing down on your face."
I crossed out some sentences that I thought were unnecessary, like on page 2: "Oh the phone is ringing gotta go." I think you could go from the journal entry right into the next scene. Another technique I think you could use is saying what time it is at certain points in the piece, if you can remember the chronology well enough. This would emphasize how much longer you had to go and how agonizing it is to go without food. I also think that you don't need to label the journal entries. I think that you could just say on page 2, "So I just wrote down how I felt," then put the entries in italics, and that will be enough. I liked how you used the journal entries throughout. Just add in some more specific detail, and maybe some background on fasting (that might be something for Part II of this project), and this piece will be even better! Good job!