workshop--bill

"Childhood Essay" by William Beeson

I really liked this essay! Bill did a great job of letting the reader experience what it was like to be a kid really believing that rays lived at the bottom of a swimming pool. I liked the humor and the voice overall; very "Bill." There were a few times that I thought details were unclear or superfluous. It was hard to visualize what you were describing sometimes; like in the first paragraph, I understood that you were talking about throwing gravel into a swimming pool, but I wasn't sure what was meant by "columns." What columns? Maybe try and make this a little clearer for the reader. In the second paragraph, I think that some of those details could be cut to clarify what you're talking about. You don't really need the phrase "delineation of the deep end from the shallow end," for example. I drew a line through some things throughout the essay that you might want to consider cutting out or changing.
The diving competition paragraph seemed to skip a little--you were talking about throwing rocks, then a diving competition--maybe put the quote from Nana right after "Maybe we could throw rocks into the pool to surprise them" to connect those lines more. The next little bit that I thought could maybe use some tweaking was the crot about throwing rocks into the river--do you really need all that detail about Aunt Gina and the picnic table? It's humorous, so I understand if you want to keep it, but maybe cut it to the bare minimum.
Overall, good job! There are just a few things that need to be looked at, but your voice is great. I love the details about Hobbes--but what does he look like? Just look at your details in each part, and decide which ones contribute to the story and the scene you're describing, and cut/edit accordingly. I love the ending! The floaty is hilarious, and your last line is great: "That must be a dead one." And don't forget to give it a good title.